Alone Again
by Kanitai
Summary: Follows Tonks and Remus's relationship throughout HBP. Tonks's point of view. HBP spoilers.
1. Three Reasons

**Spoilers - **Only minor ones, and nothing essential to the plot. But if you haven't read HBP yet, it's your fault if you read spoilers by mistake. I mean, it's been nearly a month now...

**Author's Note - **I, like many other people, judging from other fanfics I've read recently, thought that Tonks and Remus's relationship in Half Bood Prince was just... out of nowhere. So this is something along the lines of what I think might have occurred to make Tonks so depressed. Hope you like it! Please note that this is purely my imagination; I tried to keep it as faithful to events in HBP as possible, but I probably messed something up. Oh yeah, and I (to the best of my knowledge) made up Tonks's nickname. Hehe. I have a feeling only Remus would be able to call her it without being hexed, too.

**Disclaimer - **I own absolutely nothing in this story. I wish I did, but then again I wish I could fly, too.

**Alone Again**

Where was I? I looked around: a few garbage cans, a brick wall opposite me. A narrow alleyway, one I didn't recognize. A sleek tabby cat a few feet away arched it's back and hissed, perhaps viewing me as a threat now that I was awake.

I stood, stretching, sore after apparently falling asleep here. What time was it? I looked at my wrist before remembering that I never wear a watch. So I looked up at the sky instead to be treated with a glorious sunrise. _The light must have woken me_, I thought, now concentrating on the most pressing problem.

_Looks like London... _I walked stiffly across the alley for a look at the end of it. _Near... Grimmauld Place?_

Now I could remember, though I immediately wished I hadn't. The Department of Mysteries, Sirius dead, me in St. Mungo's, finally leaving, returning to headquarters, and...

Now I knew why I had been sleeping here in the alleyway, and woken confused. I tried to battle off the memory, but I was forced to relive it, holding off the flood of emotion that accompanied it, and tears.

_"Remus?" I knocked on the door, but he didn't answer. Sighing, I pushed it open anyway. "You've been in here all day. What's wrong?"_

_Again no answer. He was laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, and giving no sign that he had even heard me. I sighed again, and crossed the room to sit on the edge of it. "It's Sirius, isn't it?"_

_"It's just so hard to believe that he's gone. When he was in Azkaban I didn't know, I thought he was the spy. But now... Now it's worse, realizing I'm the last of the Marauders. James is dead, Peter has left forever, and Sirius..."_

_He seemed unable to finish the sentence. He was still staring at the ceiling, but having someone to talk to was making him seem a little less depressed. _

_"Before Azkaban, Sirius was always there for me. Every full moon. And after he broke out, he was there again. I can't stand the thought of the next one, when..." There was a bitterness in his voice that made me think, though his face was expressionless and emotionless, he was crying inside._

_"Is there... Could I...?"_

_I was surprised to see him smile. "You're not an Animagus, Nymphadora. I have no control as a wolf, I'd bite you. I wouldn't be able to live with that."_

_I ignored his use of my hated first name. I was beginning to get used to it. "Have you ever bitten anyone?"_

_"Never. There were close calls, but James and Sirius..." His voice choked off, and I looked away._

_"It's better to let the tears come, you know. You'll feel better afterwards." I glanced back at him, but he appeared to be ignoring my advice. After a moment's silence, I spoke again. "Remus, you don't have to be alone. You don't have to shut yourself away like this. Maybe I can't be there for you the way Sirius was, maybe no one can, but I want to help you. The whole Order wants to help you. Sirius... Sirius wouldn't have wanted this." I paused, turning to look at him. "You were alone for thirteen years. Do you really want to be alone again?"_

_There was a long silence._

_"You're right, Nym." He sighed, and at last moved his gaze away from the ceiling to meet my eyes. "I don't want to be alone again, I guess that's why I'm taking his death so hard."_

_I stood and offered him my hand. He took it, and I pulled him into a sitting position. "I know how you feel... I don't want to be alone, either."_

_Immediately I mentally kicked myself, wishing I had more control over my tongue. I was afraid to look at him. Of course he knew already, anyway, but now it would be brought up, and I didn't know if I would be able to stand it. I dropped his hand as though it was burning me._

_"Nym..." I avoided his gaze, looking anywhere but at him._

_"No, please, I don't want to hear it. Please, Remus." I knew what he was going to say, but knowing wasn't going to make it any easier to bear._

_"You deserve better, Nym. You deserve better than me."_

_I couldn't bring myself to argue. He reached out and grabbed my hand again, preventing me from fleeing before I could hear him out._

_"I know you don't agree, but listen. We're better off this way."_

_Suddenly my insides turned to ice._

_"I thought you didn't want to be alone! You said that!" I pulled my hand away and ran to the door, stopping to glare at him with my hand on the knob. "Did you lie?" I almost didn't recognize my voice. It was angry, and sharp, and full of pain._

_"Nym... it's too dangerous. I wouldn't want you to lose me, I know it would kill you..."_

_"Well, it doesn't matter, does it? Thanks to your _nobility_, I've as good as lost you!"_

_I could feel a burning sensation in my throat, and the sting of salt in my eyes. Let the tears come. I doubted I would feel better afterwards, but nothing mattered anyway. Not anymore._

_"Nymphadora... I wouldn't want to..."_

_But I was already gone, through the hall, sprinting to the door I could escape through. I yanked it open and ran onto the street, pausing only to slam it behind me. Tears cascading down my face, I ran blindly through the night._

I sighed, and sat down with my back to the brick wall. _So that's why I'm here... I ran until I couldn't run any more. Didn't get far, did I? _I looked around again. I was only a few blocks away from headquarters.

I had to get to work. The sunrise was nearing it's end and I would be expected there soon. I probably looked like a mess, though, and my wand was still there. I would have to go back, and face Remus. The prospect almost made me cry again. I set off at a walk, dreading reaching my destination.

_Full moon is in two days... and Remus will be alone again. It's all my fault, if I hadn't said that... we'd at least still be friends. I'd be able to be around him. And he wouldn't be alone all the time... we'd be friends._

My thoughts came to an abrupt standstill. I was standing in front of the door. _I can't avoid him for the rest of my life anyway, we're both in the Order, we have the same friends, if I don't face him now it'll be harder later... _I opened the door as quietly as I could and darted inside.

Damn my clumsiness. How is it that I can manage to trip over thin air? I hoped it wasn't too loud.

When I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror I gasped. Sure, I was streaked in dirt and my face was muddy from my tears, but I had expected that. My hair was brown. My hair was _never _brown. Brown was the color my hair had been as a small child, when I hadn't known I was a Metamorphagus. Ever since then it had been any color _but _brown. _I've lost control_, I thought in despair. I tried to make it pink again but it didn't work.

_There goes my job and my usefulness for the Order_, I thought miserably, attacking my hair with a comb as silently as possible.

I heard footsteps and spun around, comb still in hand. Remus stood in the doorway. I froze.

"R-Remus..."

"I thought I heard someone trip." He was smiling. Smiling! Like he thought I was really back, that I could forget what he had said, that I could stand even seeing him after last night. Like he didn't know that I was longing to run again. He probably did, though, because he was blocking my only route of escape.

"Can't we just go back? Just be friends again." He wasn't smiling anymore, so he probably knew what my answer would be.

"No," I said, my voice surprisingly steady. "You said that you were better off without me. Don't tell me you didn't mean it," I added when he opened his mouth to speak. "Because you did. I didn't want you to be alone, I didn't want you to not have anyone to help you move on from Sirius's death, as I told you, but you said that you were better off without."

"No, Nym... I said that we were better off as friends..."

I wasn't going to give him a chance to change my mind. "I've been your friend since before Sirius's death, and you still locked yourself up and refused my company for a week. You didn't seem to care about having me as a friend then, why now?" I glared at him. "Give me three reasons why we can't be more than friends."

It was quickly becoming obvious to him that he was not in control of the situation. He sighed and began ticking reasons off on his fingers. "One: I'm a werewolf -"

"I know and I don't care."

"I care. You deserve better than a werewolf, Nym. Two: I'm old, and you're still young. You-"

I interrupted him again. "You're less than forty, Remus. You're not old. And I've seen worse age differences."

"I'm nearly twice your age, yes, I am old compared to you. Three: I-"

"I take that back, I don't want to hear any more reasons." I didn't want to hear him say what I thought he would say, it would only be harder to stand here facing him.

"Three," he said firmly. "It wouldn't last forever. Dumbledore has given me a very dangerous job that I will begin soon. I'll be surprised if I live through it. I wouldn't want you to live the rest of your life in pain."

"And what about you? Do you want to die alone?"

"Yes." His answer caught me off guard; I hadn't expected one at all, and I met his eyes for the first time since last night. There was a long silence. Neither of us seemed to be able to think of anything to say.

Finally, I looked away. "You're being noble."

"You could put it that way."

I couldn't think of any way to respond. I stood there, motionless, my hair half-combed, the comb itself long since dropped on the floor. I retrieved it, turned back toward the mirror, and attacked my brown hair with it once more. In the mirror I could see Remus's reflection, still standing in the doorway, watching me.

I turned. "Can I get through?"

"Are you going to run away again?"

"Do you think you can stop me?" I met his eyes again, and I found it hard not to be angry.

He didn't say anything, only stood back and let me through. I ran to find my wand, and with a few spells cleaned up enough to go to work. Already I was late. I wanted to _leave_, I couldn't stand facing Remus anymore. I walked back to the door, my wand still out, prepared to hex Remus if he wouldn't let me go. Just seeing him would make the chasm in my heart grow deeper, wider...

"Nymphadora..."

I stiffened, my hand on the doorknob. I wouldn't turn. I couldn't meet his eyes again. Last night, he had said my name just that way. _"I wouldn't want to..." _he had said afterward. Wouldn't want to what? But I had left before I could hear.

_I don't want to hear_, I told myself firmly. _I don't want to hear him ever again. _But I found myself looking back over my shoulder and meeting his eyes, and was surprised to find there not pity, but sorrow.

"What?" I asked with a sharpness I didn't feel. I was struggling not to cry again.

"I..."

I opened the door.

"I wouldn't want to lose you."

There was a long, heavy silence.

"I... wouldn't want... if I were to die, I would lose you too. I would rather die without that regret. I would rather die alone."

More silence.

"Then I'll go." I turned back to the open door. "Oh, and you lied last night - you said you _didn't_ want to be alone again. Thanks for telling me the truth this time."

With that, I walked out, closing the door behind me in his face. Two blocks away, I sat down beneath a tree to cry my heart out. As much as I didn't want to see him again, there was a part of me that yearned to go back and tell him how much this was tearing me apart.

He wasn't the only one who was alone again.

**A/N -** Reviews are begged!


	2. Full Moon

**Author's Note** - I have never been happier checking my inbox, seeing all your wonderful reviews. But I will admit I was a little panicky. Half of the people who reviewed either asked or expected me to continue, and I had never thought this would be anything more than a one shot. I was awake until 3 AM trying to plan this out, and I only went to sleep after I had written a couple pages. This chapter is really a filler, I promise the next one will be better. I'm completely open to suggestions as to what happens in later chapters, as I only have the next one and the last one completely planned out. So please review and tell me what you think!

xanya-forever - Thank you! Same for me. I said 'out of nowhere', but I really like it. And yeah, that's exactly what he's doing. Silly Remus!

Commander Zucchini and Nymphadora85 - Thanks so much for adding this to your faves!

Also, thanks to chaotic pink chocobo and my anonymous reviewer, TarynMaegan.

**Disclaimer** - I owned Harry Potter once. But then I woke up.

**Chapter 2**

Those two days were the hardest I have ever lived through. It was as though I was seeing the world through someone else's eyes. I was disconnected from my thoughts, my emotions, and myself. The world was unfocused, unreal, unknown. It was like I was dreaming - I felt helpless, like my life was out of my control, that I could only float along the river of this horrible dream until I was eventually dashed on the rocks.

The only thing that proved it wasn't all some awful dream was the pain. Never in a dream has my heart ached so much.

I was beyond tears. I had cried enough beneath that tree to coat my face in salt, but the tears had ceased to come, and the salt stung at my eyes. For the first time I realized that even if it feels good to cry, you really end up feeling worse afterwards. After you've run out of tears, knowing that you can't even sit down and cry makes everything seem so hopeless, and the pain in your eyes from the salt makes you realize, in comparison, that the heartache is truly awful.

And after all that crying, I had to clean up again before I could finally go to work.

It wasn't that he hadn't returned my love for him - I really hadn't expected him to. It was that he had refused to accept it. He had refused to let me love him. It was that he had said he would rather die alone. That even if it was our last day on earth, he would rather we weren't together.

Those two days were a disconnected blur of emotion that seemed so distant and apart from me. I had gotten to work around noon. Kingsley took one look at me and told me to take the day off. The day before I would have welcomed those words, but that day nothing stirred in my brain. I simply turned and walked away, again feeling as if this was some kind of dream in which I was unable to see or think clearly.

It was late afternoon on the second day from my emotional episode with Remus that I finally woke up. Full moon. The thought hit me like a lightning bolt, and it thoroughly shook me up.

Full moon. The first since Sirius's death. And Remus and I were both alone.

There was no way I was going to sleep that night, and I knew it. I tossed and turned for a while, but my open eyes fell upon the place they had been avoiding for several hours - the window, through which could be seen the round, silvery moon.

I got up and walked through my flat, hunting for my wand, and then Disapparated.

Moments later I stood near a garden, the moonlight washing over me. I sighed, but knocked on the door. _She can help, even if no one else can..._

"Who's there?" It was Molly's voice, but it was more frightened than I had ever heard it.

"Tonks," I called, hoping I sounded more reassuring than I thought I had.

The door opened a crack and I could see her through it, making sure that it really was me. Her eyes rested on my brown hair, and the door was flung open. Her eyes didn't leave my hair.

"Tonks dear, it's wonderful to see you... Come in, would you like some tea?"

"No thanks, Molly. I just came..." my voice faltered. "I just came to talk." I stepped inside and sat in a chair at random, wishing fervently that she would stop staring at my hair. But, as luck would have it, she commented on it.

"New look?"

"Not really." I sighed, trying to think of how to phrase it in a way that wouldn't make her over-react. "We... had a fight, and..." I gave up. "I've lost control of my powers, Molly."

I kept my eyes determinedly on the ceiling. I didn't want to see her look of pity and surprise.

"What happened?" Her voice was as gentle and motherly as always, and I found myself crying again. Apparently I had regained my tears, whatever good that would do me. "It's about Remus, isn't it?"

I met her eyes, surprised. "How did you know?"

"It's full moon, and I know how you feel about him." She smiled at me in her warm, comforting way, sitting down across from me.

"I never told you," I said, but I knew that, being Molly, she had figured it out without being told. So I began to explain, beginning with me leaving St. Mungo's.

"When I got back to headquarters, it was pretty much empty. I was feeling a little down; you know how I hate being confined to bed. And Remus hadn't visited me, and even though I knew he would be feeling awful with Sirius dead and all, I couldn't keep myself from feeling a bit hurt." I paused and tried to smile, but I seemed to lack the proper muscles. "When I got back I saw that Remus had barricaded himself in his room, didn't answer when I knocked, and didn't ever come out, not even for meals. I stopped feeling bad for myself, but I couldn't help but think that Sirius had died two weeks before and that he would have gotten Remus out of there even if he had to force him. Sirius would never have wanted Remus to stop living just because he himself was dead."

"Quite right." Molly stood up. "Are you sure you don't want some tea?"

"I'm sure." Molly was never content to sit and talk without giving her guest enough food for a feast.

"Well, I'll bake you some cookies at least. I know how you love chocolate. Do go on."

I didn't think, just explained everything that had happened while Molly bustled about the kitchen. I had just finished when she placed a large plate full of chocolate chip cookies in front of me.

I stared at the cookies, then looked away.

"Is something wrong, dear?"

How could I tell her that chocolate reminded me of him? It was one of the things we had in common. "I'm fine." I made myself grab a cookie and munch on it, trying not to cry again. "Or as fine as I can be, given what's happened lately."

Molly placed a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "It'll be all right. Remus will come around in the end. He does love you, Tonks."

"No he doesn't. He said he would want to remain alone, no matter what."

Molly hesitated, so short a time I might have imagined it, then smiled at me. "He certainly does care about you. You know, he said that was because he wouldn't want to lose you."

"But that's not what love is about!" I stood quickly, a strange fury coming over me, my chair toppling over and hitting the floor with a crash. "You love while you can, you're happy while you can be, and if you die the next day then at least your life was worth living. Without love, what is life? Without love and happiness, is life even worthwhile? And I know he's no more happy like this than I am! How could anyone -" I paused to draw breath, glaring around the room, but Molly cut in.

"I only reminded you of what he had said. I never said I supported his opinion. In fact, I think you're quite right, dear." Molly looked at me searchingly, her eyebrows slightly furrowed. "Are you positive you wouldn't want a cup of tea?"

It was her expression of motherly concern that made my heavy breathing slow, and the fury fade away. "I'm sure, thank you. Sorry about my outburst there."

"No need for an apology."

A silence fell over us. I found my eyes wandering to the window again. "It's nearly sunrise. I should get going, Molly. Ginny and Ron and the rest will wake up soon, and I really don't want to explain about my hair. I'll come back sometime soon."

She nodded, and I went to the door.

"Tonks, dear?"

I turned back. "What?"

"Will you tell Remus your views on what love is about?"

I bit my lip. "I might."

"You should."

Without replying, I waved, walked back down the path, and reappeared seconds later in my flat.

I wouldn't. Remus had said that he wanted to be alone. Let him have what he wanted.


	3. Photograph

**Spoiler Update **- I just realized that if I ever finish this it'll spoil pretty much the whole book. So I take that back about the minor spoiler thing. We all eat our words at some point... heh-heh.

**Author's Note **- Okay, I promised a better chapter this time. And I hope it is, but it's really just more filler. I changed my plan a bit and what I thought would be the next chapter has been moved back. It's absolutely necessary, though, I promise (and I will definitely keep it this time)! You'll see why very soon.

I'm sorry if Kingsley Shacklebolt is really OOC in this chapter, but he really isn't in the books enough for me to know how to portray him accurately. I tried, okay? He's really just there in this chapter to explain everything. Sorry if it seems like one never-ending conversation, I promise that it's necessary!

The last chapter, in case it was confusing, even though I tried to make this blatantly obvious, was _not_ the day Harry came to the Burrow. That's probably next chapter. ;)

**Disclaimer** - If Harry Potter belonged to me, this wouldn't be fanfiction, by definition. And this is most definitely fanfiction. Need I say more?

**Chapter 3**

Sighing, I stepped out of the elevator and towards the office, stopping just in front of my cubicle. It was a perfect reflection of how I felt: like a whirlwind had torn through. The cubicle had always been messy - I had never been an obsessive cleaner like Mrs. Weasley - but spending so many hours in it over the last few days with nothing to do had turned it into the site of a natural disaster.

I had been working overtime every day since the full moon. The theory was that, after being in the Order for a year, I had grown used to being surrounded by people in the evening. In the office there would still be people around me, and I would be occupied by my job instead of overcome by loneliness.

That was the theory, at least.

In reality, there was nothing to do. Working those extra hours, I had quickly finished everything I had to do and even gone through my mountainous pile of information, updates, and reports that almost completely covered my desk. Looking at it now, though, you couldn't tell. All the parchment was scattered across the desk and floor, even less organized than it's previous pile of monstrous proportions.

I was desperately bored. I had nothing to work on as an Auror and nothing to do for the Order.

I hadn't returned to Grimmauld Place since I had fetched my wand. I couldn't bear to. I knew Molly would want me to go back, but there was no way I was going to face Remus. There was even _less_ of a chance that I would tell him what I had said to Molly.

It was tearing me apart, being away from him, but it gave me a sort of grim satisfaction that it was hurting him just as much, maybe even more. Among his reasons had been '_I wouldn't want to hurt you,' _and _'I wouldn't want to lose you.' _ If revenge is sweet, then it was bittersweet for me and bitter for him.

But at least he had something to distract him... I remembered now that he had mentioned a dangerous job. He had said he would be surprised if he lived through it. He had said that he would begin it soon.

_If you die, Remus, I'll never forgive you, _I thought as I fought a long lost battle with the mess within my cubicle. _You're being so selfish. Not everyone wants to die alone!_

Annoyed, I snatched a piece of parchment from the corner of my desk to put it in the new pile I was making. Another beneath it joined it. I reached out again.

_No. Not now. Why did I have to find it now?_

A photograph was there, covered by old reports for ages, gathering dust on it's thin silver frame. I watched myself wave out from it, vibrant pink hair shockingly bright in the sunshine. Around me were some other Order members, Mad-eye, Molly, and -

_No. I can't look at it._

I carefully turned it face-down, but not before I saw Remus's face.

Two hours later I was making very little progress. In my present mood, I piled parchment so haphazardly that any pile I made was doomed to topple as soon as it reached a height of about a foot. I almost welcomed the chance to stop when it came.

"Tonks?" It was Kingsley's voice. I looked up. "Is that really you? You _never _organize anything."

"It's not like I have anything else to do," I snapped, pushing a pile straight with a bit too much force. It collapsed, paper from the top shooting clear across the floor on the low-friction surface of more paper. "It took me about six hours, that last job." I knew I was being unfair, taking my bad mood out on him, but I was going a bit stir-crazy, not to mention lack of sleep from working late the past three days.

Kingsley carefully navigated around the scattered reports on the floor until he was standing next to me. His next words were in a much lower tone. "Why haven't you come to headquarters for five days? Did you even know we moved?"

"Moved?" Why hadn't he told me this earlier?

"Dumbledore's worried that your _dear_ aunt Bellatrix might inherit it, despite Sirius's will. Naturally we wouldn't want her to turn up while it's still headquarters. We've moved until we find out."

While his sarcasm might have made me laugh a few weeks ago, now it only intensified my sour mood. "And you didn't tell me because...?"

I didn't like his look of hesitation. Kingsley was always so calm and reassuring, he was never outwardly worried. "Well, you've been out of touch for five days, and naturally that leads to suspicions..."

I felt relieved, but more than a little offended and hurt. How could they doubt me? "Just ask Molly, or Remus. I really don't want to explain." I looked at him pleadingly, but his eyes were on the down-turned photograph. I knew he understood.

"Remus seems quite depressed and lonely," he said quietly.

It was hard to suppress the grim satisfaction that again rose within me. "Can I have a new job? I'm bored to death." I indicated the piles around me. My outstretched arm promptly knocked one over. "Damn." I gathered them up hastily. "Something that makes me useful to the Order, please?" I didn't want my loyalty to be doubted again.

"I'm not in a position to get you one at the moment. I'm leaving tomorrow morning." I looked at him quizzically. "Rufus Scrimgeour, the new minister, wants me to protect the Muggle minister, by way of becoming his new secretary. Security, you know. If he was Imperiused..." We both shuddered. "You'll have to ask someone else."

"Plead, rather. You know how the people higher up feel like they're superior." I rolled my eyes and grabbed a few more sheets of paper to form into a new stack.

"I would say yes, but I would be insulting myself. By the way, your hair. Since when has it been anything short of blindingly bright?"

I sighed and gave up completely with the stacks. Another two had toppled as if a bulldozer had come at them at top speed. "Since five days ago. And I really need you to get me a job. How can I tell anyone else that I can't morph anymore?"

He looked grim, but nodded. "I'll try today. But all the jobs that required disguise are the ones that they assign you. How can I tell them to do otherwise?"

"Just let me borrow your invisibility cloak. You won't need it at a Muggle desk job. Please." I gave him the pleading look again. "I have to get away from London. I can't go back to headquarters with Remus there, or worse, away and in danger. I need to be as far away as possible."

"Maybe you could try to track down a Death Eater... Naturally we're all trying to locate them already, but there's some we may not have assigned people to yet. I don't think Narcissa Malfoy, or Fenrir Greyback -"

"Wait... Greyback? Isn't he the werewolf?"

I felt as if my blood had been turned to ice. My heart had stopped. The world stopped.

'_Dumbledore has given me a very dangerous job that I will begin soon. I'll be surprised if I live through it. _'

His job had something to do with Greyback. I knew it. _Remus, if you die -!_

"Tonks? Is something wrong?"

Some of my worry must have showed on my face. I knocked over another pile in my haste to look unconcerned and hide my great distress, but I was afraid I was doing a dismal job at it. "Nothing. Anything else our new head would possibly let me do?"

I honestly didn't know the name of the new head of office. I was that out of it lately.

He studied me for a moment, eyes narrowed, before he answered. "You could probably be assigned to Hogsmeade. Extra protection for Hogwarts, you know. And you'd be close enough to Dumbledore that he could call on you in about a minute if there was a problem."

"Good enough for me." I yawned widely, sending another stack flying as I brought my hand to my mouth. My eyes followed it as it fell, parchment flying across the cubicle. "I think it's worse than when I started."

"I'll go see what I can do, then." He turned to leave but stopped. "Will you talk to Remus?"

"You sound just like Molly, you know. I might."

"You should."

Now he sounded exactly like Molly. The dèjà vu was scaring me.

He reached over to my desk and turned the photograph right side up.

When he left I couldn't bring myself to flip it over again.

**A/N** - D'you think her emotions are changing a bit too rapidly? I think the bitterness at the end of chapter two carries over into this one okay, but maybe she should still be more angry at Remus for being so noble, and more sorrowful? Review and let me know! begs


	4. Can't Forget

**Author's Note - **Okay, I _really_ need suggestions. Please. I'm quickly running out of ideas.

**Disclaimer - **I don't own Harry Potter. I don't even pretend to. End of discussion.

**Chapter 4**

Kingsley returned several hours later with the good news that I had been assigned the Hogsmeade job. I was not so happy about the rest.

"They want you to stay for a few more days, and collect information on Inferi."

"They want _what?_" I stared at him in disbelief. My poor desk would crack down the middle from the weight. _A filing cabinet would be a good idea._ I made a mental note to get one as soon as possible. "I have to go _now_, I can't be in London! I won't be able to make myself forget!"

"I know, but I couldn't tell 'the superior' people that."

I sighed, and admitted to myself that he was right. Though only to myself. My mood had not improved much.

Two days had passed and I still had not finished that cursed research paper. I hadn't yet gotten the filing cabinet, and my desk showed it. Instead of only paper, it was now also piled high with thick, ancient books that actually made the wooden legs creak.

I was still working overtime every day. I left the photograph be, but there was a book in front of it now.

I stifled a yawn and pushed my chair back. I needed coffee. The sun was only just setting, but I decided to head for a cafe anyway. It was already later than I normally left, so no one would blame me for going now. I grabbed my report and a few books, deciding I could work on it while I was there.

As I passed the place where the fountain had once stood, I Transfigured my robes into something more suitable for entering a Muggle coffee shop - jeans and a simple white t-shirt. I hid my wand in my pocket and left the Ministry by the visitor's elevator, emerging several minutes later in Muggle London.

A tiny bell tinkled overhead as I entered. It was a small place, but it was my favorite in all of London. There were only a few people at the little tables scattered across the room, and none of them so much as looked up at me.

The way the man behind the counter said "The usual?" spoke to how often I had come here lately.

I sat down at a table in the corner, managing to trip over the leg of my chair and falling into it, drinking my coffee through a straw and scalding my tongue. I spread my books across the table and continued writing. I wasn't worried about the Muggles noticing my quill - half the people here were reading the newspaper with furrowed brows and grim expressions, looking too absorbed in the news to pay me any heed. I recognized most of the people here - a tiny place like this was very hard to simply stumble upon - and some had seen me writing here before. They probably thought I was Amish or something, but whatever.

I looked up a half hour later, the sound of the tinkling bell echoing in my ears. A couple had just entered, holding hands.

_And here I was thinking only men in their forties came here_, I thought, somewhat bemused.

They ordered coffee and sat own at the table next to mine. They were staring much too intently at each other for them to even notice me watching them.

_His eyes are like Remus's..._

I found myself wishing that Remus was here. I bit my lip and looked out the window, the opposite direction from the table. The sky was not quite black, as if the very last rays of sunlight were basking the western horizon in their golden aura. The waning moon, cream-yellow and huge, was just rising above the street.

_The... moon... _I thought stupidly, my eyes fixed upon it unblinkingly.

It was too much. I left the cafe in such a hurry, I accidentally left my quill behind.

I returned to my flat, hoping in vain that I would be able to shift my thoughts from him. I found a new quill and searched through the bookcase for Inferi information. I found some in a dusty volume on the Dark Arts and dark creatures. Flipping towards the back for the index, I paused on a page I had known was there, but had hoped I wouldn't happen across. It had a picture of a werewolf on it. The full moon's rays illuminated a forest clearing. The werewolf's fangs dripped crimson blood. As I watched, it's muzzle lifted to the dark sky in a long and eerie howl.

I slammed the book shut, checking the author. I made a mental note to never buy a book by that guy again.

I put the book forcefully back on the shelf, knocking several others to the floor in the process. Agitated, I picked them up, about to put them back when I realized what they were. One was a book Remus had given me long ago. I had never read it. Another was an old diary.

I studied it's navy cover. I knew it was childish, to write in a diary, but it had been a habit that had stuck through the years. And with a job like mine, not knowing whether I would be alive the next day, I thought of it as a way of making what could be my last thoughts known. I used to write almost every day. But I had lost this diary at least six months before, and hadn't written an entry since.

Curious about how long, I flipped through it's pages until I found the last entry. It didn't say. I must have forgotten the date. I read the entry anyway.

_Dear Diary,_

_I feel like a teenager again. Not like that was so long ago anyway. But I realized today that I'm in love with him._

_Wow. That was so corny._

_I tripped over that cursed umbrella stand again (WHY doesn't somebody just move it out of the hall?), closed my eyes expecting to fall flat on the floor and have my eardrums implode with my aunt's screaming, and open my eyes a few seconds later to realize that Remus caught me. Mrs. Black was still screaming, though. Our eyes met for a moment. After we managed to get my aunt to shut up, he smiled and said "Be more careful, Nym," and left._

_When he used that nickname he gave me, I decided I didn't mind so much, because it was him._

I couldn't get away from him. Everything reminded me of him and made my heart ache as if it had been only yesterday that he had refused to accept the fact that I loved him. Refused to let me.

I needed to talk to Molly.

"Who is it?" Molly's voice was the same frightened one I had heard the last night I had come.

"Tonks," I called through the keyhole.

She let me in, and I sat at the table in the same spot. She seemed to be able to tell just from my face that I needed her motherly support and advice. Molly was quickly filling that role when it came to Remus - I hadn't told my mother about him yet, and I doubted she would approve if I did.

"Tea, dear?"

"Yes, please, if you have any," It was late and I was very sleep-deprived. Tea didn't have as much caffeine as coffee, but with the amount of sugar I added it was almost as good.

As Molly made tea, I remained silent, thinking of how to tell her everything on my mind. My eyes fell upon her clock, perched atop the laundry basket at the end of the table. Only one hand, Arthur's, was visible - the others were all blocked from view, as they were all pointing to _Mortal Peril_.

Molly set a large, streaming mug in front of me. "You're getting so thin, dear, are you sure you don't want...?"

"I'm sure." I waved away her offer for food. I really had no desire to eat. The tea was only because it was necessary. I normally felt bad about her always cooking something while I sat. I had been brought up to help with such things.

"So the Order's moved?"

Molly nodded and sat down. "It's at a place Dumbledore got, close by... a few blocks away from Number Twelve, brick building, by that alleyway?"

I nodded. I didn't tell her that I had been there a week ago.

"You haven't talked to Remus since, have you?" she asked quietly.

I shook my head. "I've worried for a week straight, though. Do you know what that job Dumbledore gave him was?"

I could see the hesitation in Molly's eyes. "Yes... but..."

"I'll only worry more if I don't know. It has something to do with Greyback, doesn't it?"

"Remus is going to be a spy among the werewolves. They're all with Greyback, you know. He'll be trying to persuade them to turn away from him."

I nearly choked on my tea.

My blood had turned cold. I thought immediately and irresistibly of famous Muggle spies - three of them hanged, one target practice for a firing squad, and one tortured, all without trials.

"I shouldn't have told you." Molly looked wistful, and sympathetic as always.

My face turned to the ceiling, my eyes stinging. "It's just... what if he...?"

I bit my lip, unable to bring myself to voice my worst fear aloud. I thought again of Molly's clock. "Enough. Molly, you haven't said a word about yourself, and I know you're worrying way more than I am..."

"No I'm not." Her voice was choked and clipped, and it almost made me smile at how it completely contradicted her words.

"Yes you are. You've been carrying that clock around, praying every moment that one of the hands won't disappear, that no one will -" I swallowed hard, tears building up at the corners of my eyes. "- die."

We both threw our arms around each other at the same moment, tears falling thick and fast to the floor, each of us hoping we wouldn't have cause to cry this much again.

There was a faint tapping on the window, and we pulled apart. I could barely see the owl there, my vision blurred by tears. I opened the window, and it stuck out it's leg.

I took the roll of parchment, about to hand it to Molly when I saw the writing on the outside. _Nymphadora._

It was from him. With trembling fingers I unrolled it. My heart ceased to beat as I read three words.

_I leave tomorrow._

**A/N - **The next chapter has Remus in it! Keep reading! And please review!


	5. Of Spies and Tears

**Author's Note - **Whee. More Remus now. xD

I realize that I'm taking a really long time between updates, but I have a huge pile of homework. I'm doing the best I can.

Thanks to my reviewers for all critiques and suggestions. I really do appreciate it. I've tried to work them into this chapter. As a reminder, taking time to critique my writing is the biggest compliment you could give me. I will never take offense from any legitimate crit. Don't be shy!

This chapter is dedicated to my friend Hiei17Jaganshi, who started reading Harry Potter in an effort to understand what's going on in this story. D Good for you!

**Disclaimer **- I don't own Harry Potter. Or Tonks. Or Remus. Or anything else, for that matter. 3

**Chapter 5**

I stared at it, paralyzed by fear.

No matter how much I had worried lately, there had been a part of me that stubbornly refused to think that he could leave. That he could die. My hands shook as I clutched the parchment, gripping it so hard I feared it would tear.

Something about those three words brought home to me that he really would be gone. Perhaps forever.

_I would rather die alone_, I could hear in my head, a cruel echo of his voice. _I would rather die without the regret of losing you._

_**I **wouldn't, _I thought fiercely. _I don't want to die with brown hair!_

Three loud, sharp knocks sounded on the door, disturbing my thoughts. Molly jumped in surprise, looking frightened. "Who's there?" she called, her voice shaky and shrill. "Declare yourself!"

I could hear Dumbledore's voice behind the door. _Oh no. I don't want to talk to him,_ I thought frantically. The conversation with Kingsley was too fresh on my mind. And Dumbledore had been the one who had given Remus his potentially fatal job. He was not my favorite person at the moment. The door opened, then closed. I heard two sets of footsteps entering.

"Ah, hello, Nymphadora!"

I looked up into his twinkling blue eyes, inwardly flinching. He had called me Nymphadora. Only Remus was allowed to do that.

_Remus..._

"Hello, Professor. Wotcher, Harry." I made a valiant effort to smile, trying to seem like my old self. I could feel Harry's eyes on my hair and began to understand how much he hated people staring at his scar.

"I'd better be off." My voice sounded rushed, and my movements were even more so. I almost dropped my cloak as I pulled it on. "Thanks for the tea and sympathy, Molly."

As though coming from a world away, I heard Dumbledore's voice. The words meant nothing to me. I had to get away. I had to get to Remus. I had to see him before he left.

"No, no, I need to get going," I said at random, my eyes on the floor and my whole self focused inwards, on the fear that still gripped me. On him. "'Night -"

"Dear, why not come to dinner at the weekend, Remus and Mad-Eye are coming -?"

I shook my head, halfway out the door already. I knew I wouldn't be able to be near him without crying or screaming, and I didn't want to do either if other people were around. "No, really, Molly... thanks anyway... Good night, everyone."

I almost ran past Dumbledore and Harry to get away. I Apparated, at the last second looking back to see that their eyes had followed me.

I reappeared seconds later in the alleyway across from the brick building that was serving as temporary headquarters. The tabby cat was still here, hissing and spitting at my sudden intrusion into it's territory.

I looked up from the sidewalk at the steps and door. Apparently Dumbledore hadn't made it Unplottable or used the Fidelius Charm, since it was temporary. Either that or they had been taken off recently.

The door was wood, oak probably, worn and ancient. At any other time it would have seemed almost comforting, but now it's dark stain made it look ominous. My hand, pale in the moonlight, reached for the brass knob, then jerked aside.

_I have to go in,_ I told myself in what was meant to be a firm voice. It failed to convince me.

I forced myself to reach out and open the door. I closed it softly behind me, but still the muffled thud echoed through the still house.

"Remus?" I called, a noticeable quiver in my voice. I hoped there was a box of tissues handy. I was likely to need them before I left.

"I see you got the owl," said a familiar voice from further down the hall. Remus stepped forward, smiling at my hand. I hadn't realized I was holding the parchment in it. It was crumpled, I had been clutching it so tightly. I dropped it quickly, and it floated down to the dusty wooden floor. Molly had obviously not come in a while.

I nodded and bit my lip, looking out a window, before the explosion came. "How could you accept that job? Don't you realize how dangerous it is? You-"

"I think I realize the dangers more than you do, Tonks." His words may have been harsh, but his voice was as gentle as always.

_Tonks?_ I could feel the wetness on my cheeks now. "You've never called me Tonks before. What about Nymphadora, or Nymph, or Nym?"

"I thought you wanted to be called Tonks."

"Not by you," I whispered, hoping it was too soft for him to hear.

If he had he didn't comment on it. "Dumbledore needed a spy. He needed me. It's dangerous, but it's necessasary. T--"

"Don't call me Tonks again." I found myself looking straight into his eyes, something I wouldn't have thought myself capable of mere minutes before. His expression didn't change, and he didn't respond.

What if this was the last time I saw him?

I closed my eyes, allowing more tears to fall and leave wetness on the dust-streaked floor.

"Don't cry... please..."

"Really?" I wiped my tears away with the back of my hand, glaring at him. "Don't cry? I have every reason to cry! You're going to go and get yourself killed! Tell me why I shouldn't cry."

"Because I haven't died yet, and I don't intend to. Save your tears for a more worthy time."

Damn. I hated it when he was right.

"B-But... chances are that you will..." My anger was forgotten, and I felt nothing but emptiness and the ever-present fear and worry.

"I've been running risks since the Order was called up a year ago. I've been in more danger before."

I chose to not reply to that. It would require asking what dangers he had been in before, and I honestly didn't want to know. More reasons not to sleep at night. "What time is it?"

"Nearly two."

"Why're you up?"

"Packing."

Only Remus would never leave that until morning, even when he was obviously tired. I looked out the window. A cloud had drifted over the moon, veiling it like a shred of morning mist.

It was hard to not burst out yelling like I had a week ago. But if he did die, I wouldn't want to have run out crying. I would want to be near him as long as I could stand.

His calm silence was driving me insane.

"When exactly are you going?"

"Tomorrow night."

"Why not later? Why tomorrow?" I was pleading now, and I knew it, but if there was any way I could get him to not go...

"The farther away from full moon, the better. Dumbledore doesn't think they'll accept me right away, if they do at all. And after Emmeline Vance and Madame Bones and all the people Greyback's attacked... the sooner the better." He grimaced. "I'm sorry. But I'm going tomorrow night. I just thought you'd want to know." He turned and walked away, back down the hall and into a room towards the end.

I bit my lip and followed him. He was packing again. The suitcase was almost full.

"Please don't die, Remus."

He looked up, his expression solemn. "I'll try not to, Nym."

"I'm Nym again, then?"

A fresh tear trickled down my face. Remus reached out and wiped it away.

"Don't cry," he whispered, almost too soft to hear.


	6. Coffee

**Author's Note - **Ack! Sorry I haven't updated in, what, months? My computer was freezing up every few minutes (which made writing very difficult), and we seem to have finally fixed it (mostly). Many apologies. Blame the old comp.

**Disclaimer - **It would be nice to own Tonks and Remus and everyone. But they're copyrighted. Sigh...

**Chapter 6**

I woke to yellow rays of bright sunshine streaming through the open window and the sound of morning traffic a few blocks away. I groaned, pulling my pillow over my head. Judging by the amount of sunlight shining in this cursed east-facing window, it was much too early to be awake. Especially after staying up past three.

_Past three?_ For a few seconds my mind was completely blank as I sought an answer, but my sleep-deprived brain found it eventually. I was at the temporary headquarters. I had come here last night to talk to Remus.

_Remus? _Had he left already? I couldn't hear any noise from the rest of the place. Or maybe he had the sense to sleep in a bedroom with a window facing west.

_Molly should have come here,_ I thought irritably as I pulled the pillow closer around my face and glared at the wall. _The windows don't even have blinds._

I briefly imagined what I would have done, had I been in charge of the decorating: Bright pink, cyan, and green walls with black-out curtains. Maybe Grimmauld Place could use a makeover once I got the amount of sleep required to get up and actually find my wand.

"Nym, are you going to get up?"

For someone extremely tired, I managed to jump pretty high off the bed and grab my wand from the bedside table quite quickly. Auror training can be handy. Mad-Eye would be proud. You never know if Remus will be trying to kill you at seven in the morning with a cup of tea in hand. Constant vigilance.

I lowered my wand sheepishly. "Morning, Remus." He raised an eyebrow, but otherwise didn't question my odd reaction to his sudden appearance. I stretched and looked down, noticing I hadn't even changed before going to bed. No matter. That's what wands were for. Transfiguration had always been one of my favorite subjects at Hogwarts.

"Why the hell did you wake me up, anyway? It's got to be about seven-thirty."

"Seven-fifteen."

I groaned and sat on the edge of the bed, wishing Remus would possibly let me turn the window's glass black so I could sleep more. "Not everyone's a bloody morning person, Remus."

"We're moving back to Grimmauld Place. Dumbledore came after his argument with Scrimgeor. It's safe."

"Scrimgeor." My face was bound to be the image of pure disgust. "My dear boss. Now my even more powerful boss. Must have been a long, pleasant conversation. And you were actually awake when he came?"

Remus chose not to comment on this. "We need to move, anyway. Grimmauld Place is much more secure than here."

"Can't it wait until a decent hour?" I grabbed the pillow and put it over my face again, a feeble attempt to block out the light and the sound of his voice.

"To most people, this _is_ a decent hour." He snatched the pillow off and tossed it away. I looked up at him, and our eyes met. My breath caught in my chest, and his eyes lingered a second before he looked away.

"Fine." I stood again, looking around for my wand. I seemed to have set it down somewhere. "Just hold on a minute."

I managed to stall another half hour, which I mostly spent looking for a coffee maker. Figures that with Remus having been the main resident, there wasn't one. I was far too lazy and tired to Transfigure something into a coffee pot, besides the fact that it wasn't really something McGonagall had ever taught me for fear of the caffeine's effects on me. It was too bad, really; I could have scared Madam Pince to death. I had always wanted to do that.

But anyway, I found myself dragging my feet (or rather, my whole body) down the few blocks to Grimmauld Place. I couldn't help but think about the last time I had been on this street. Remus didn't question my unusual silence, but he probably thought it was because I was lacking my daily four cups of coffee and not really as competent as usual.

And I still didn't see why I couldn't have just gone back to sleep. Remus was taking all his bags with him, and I thought that rather strange considering he would be leaving in a little over twelve hours. But it's better not to point out stuff like that when your brain isn't functioning properly. At 8 AM, it's better to leave that to the morning people.

It suddenly struck me as very odd that here I was walking with a person I didn't want to see mere days before to a place I had never wanted to set eyes on again. Without any protest or comment of any kind. But then again, there was a coffee maker in the kitchen of Number 12.

By the fifth cup of coffee, I no longer needed the nap I had planned. It was midmorning by then. Remus looked more edgy than I had ever seen him. It was unsettling to see him that way, after knowing him to be so calm, a nice big rock to lean against for support. He kept riffling through papers he had spread across the kitchen table, muttering something under his breath, and sending parchment flying again. I noticed he had dark circles under his eyes, even though the full moon was weeks away. _So much for being a morning person_, I mused, but I thought I understood why he had woken me so early, and why he had wanted to move to someplace safer.

I had expected Dumbledore at least to show up, since he was the one responsible for Remus being like this, but the hours dragged by without a knock on the door. It really was too bad Molly hadn't wanted to come to headquarters for the summer again. She would have been able to distract Remus from the approaching night. But that job fell upon me. What fun.

I sighed. Remus didn't even look up.

"What are you doing, anyway?"

At last Remus stopped and glanced up. "Looking through all the files on Greyback the Ministry has. Kingsley got them for me before he left. I don't want to gather useless information."

I felt a spasm of guilt. _I _should have thought of that. In the Auror's office there were huge filing cabinets full of such information about various known dark wizards. It was just around the corner from where I had gotten those books about Inferi for that stupid paper. But all I said was, "I see."

Remus gave a brief nod, already immersed in reading a five-foot-long piece of parchment. If the situation had been less tense, he would have looked comical with the end of it trailing on the floor.

Knowing him, he already knew the words on there by heart. I was willing to bet he had done the exact same thing before exams, back when he was in school. Nervous habits die hard, I suppose.

"Er... would you like some more tea?"

It was hard to tell if he had nodded or not, considering he was bent almost double, now poring over an old book. I filled his teacup anyway. It was a bit of a challenge, finding a space to put it that wasn't covered by papers.

After a few seconds, I decided my method wasn't working. "Oh, for goodness _sake_, Remus!" I closed the book with a snap, nearly catching his nose inside it, and pushed papers and parchment onto the floor. I marveled at how much I had sounded like Molly. Evidently he was surprised too, since he stared at me unblinkingly in what can only be described as shock.

"You're just making it worse! You're out of your mind, stressed about all this, and what do you do? Stress yourself more!"

Remus blinked up at me, rubbing his nose absently as though checking for permanent damage. "Sorry," he said meekly.

Though I managed to resist the urge to laugh, it was a close call.

"You already know everything in those papers, don't you?" I demanded, pointing to the piles on the floor.

Remus nodded guiltily, obviously still in awe of my outburst.

"That's what I thought." I sat down again in the chair beside him. "It's better to get your mind off things for a little while."

"Easier said than done." He gave a half-smile.

So I was right. That was why he looked more tired than me, and why he wanted to come here.

"You don't have to go tonight," I said quietly. Remus looked up, horrified.

"And let Dumbledore down?"

"You're afraid, though…"

"Of course not." He discovered the cup of tea and took a sip, hiding his eyes a little too efficiently to be plausible.

I sighed. Remus was not a good liar.

I searched for some topic that would get his mind off things, but all I could think of was the last time we had been here together…

"Oh! I almost forgot! I have to go to Hogsmeade tonight!"

Remus put down his teacup, perhaps realizing he couldn't fool me with it. "Why?"

"A new job. I'm protecting the village from dementors and the like, though I'm _really_ protecting Hogwarts from anything that could threaten it for the Order."

Remus nodded. "Better than a desk job, I'm sure."

"Exponentially better." I didn't tell him I had asked for this job specifically to get away from London.

"So you'll be fighting dementors… and maybe Death Eaters?"

What was that emotion in Remus's eyes? I couldn't quite decide.

"Yes," I replied quietly, looking at him out of the corner of my eye while I pretended to sip my coffee, trying to figure it out.

Could it be… worry? For me?

"Just be safe, Nym."

It _was_! But why?

I looked at him carefully, but he turned away. "I will," I replied slowly, guardedly, "if you promise you will, too."

There was a brief silence.

"I promise."

Why did he sound almost… _reluctant_ when he said that? I stared into the depths of my coffee mug, deeply confused.

**A/N –** Not much of an ending, I know, but I had to break this into two chapters. It was getting a bit long… So wait till the next one! .


	7. Take Your Reasons

**Author's Note – **Ok, I admit it. I took the chapter title from a song. Unfortunately, I can't remember the title or who sang it. xX; So somebody out there gets the credit for that line. It's not mine.

**Disclaimer –** Tonks, Remus, and everyone else belong to J. K. Rowling.

**Chapter 7**

"…Nym?"

Startled out of my thoughts, my head snapped up. "Yes?"

Remus smiled at me. "Five cups of coffee wasn't enough?"

"Er… no…" I tucked a stray hair behind my ear, an old nervous habit. How had he known it was five when he was looking through those papers?

Yet another question to puzzle out.

_Stupid, _I thought. _Of course he was worried about me. He's my friend, isn't he?_

Remus was refilling my coffee mug with his wand. Apparently his professors had trusted him more than mine. He set it down in front of me, smiling again.

"Thanks," I said, taking a sip. I met his eyes, and again saw that emotion I couldn't name. Was it just me, or did it look like… _pain?_

"Urgh!" I spat out the coffee and ran for the sink. "It's black coffee! _Remus!_"

I could hear him laughing behind me as the water from the faucet poured over my tongue. "Ish nhot fuh'ey."

To my annoyance, the laughter didn't slow.

_He's hiding something,_ I concluded, watching him closely over my now well-creamed coffee. _And he's obviously still stressing about Greyback._ As if in answer to my thoughts, Remus's hand strayed toward the pile of parchment on the floor. I glared at him and it returned to the tabletop.

"What's bothering you, Remus?"

"Oh, nothing," he replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "I'm just going to try and make friends with a bunch of bloodthirsty werewolves tonight and hope they don't find out I'm a spy. I'm absolutely fine."

"Remus…" I pleaded. "Please…"

He looked away.

I sighed. There was no way I could make him forget about tonight. He was leaving and there was nothing I could do. I could only be afraid for him. If he died….

"Remus?" I whispered. "I wouldn't want to lose you, either."

A pained look crossed his face and he put a hand over his eyes. "No, Nym. No. Don't talk about that…"

"You'd rather forget it ever happened? You'd rather forget everything I said? I _meant_ it, Remus. I'll never let you forget."

"_Tonks,_" he said firmly, purposely avoiding my eyes. "I don't want to hurt you again." I heard a sigh from behind his hand. "I really don't… It's better if you just don't mention it."

"I won't again… just remember, when you're with the werewolves… remember I –" My throat closed, and panicking, I raced for the stairs, letting my unfinished sentence hang in midair above the kitchen table and Remus's ears.

I wasn't sure where I was going until I arrived: the room Remus had locked himself in most of the summer. I stared at the doorknob for a moment, wondering if my fingerprints remained.

The door opened with a click, and I walked across the room to sit on the edge of the bed, exactly as I had done that night. I let my upper body sink to the mattress, my head falling onto the imprint in the center of the pillow. I inhaled the scent of rain, rosemary, and a trace of blood's metallic aroma.

_Remus… how badly do you hurt yourself when you run out of Wolfsbane potion? How much pain do you feel? _I felt a renewed hatred for Snape. Too many times he had "forgotten" to bring the potion for Remus. I would never forgive him for Remus's pain.

Tears clung to my lashes. Spots of wetness dropped to the pillow to be followed by fresh ones. Why was I thinking about the potion when I should be worrying over Remus himself? In mere hours he would be with his fellow werewolves.

_Fellow? No werewolf is like Remus._

I sighed and turned my head toward the window, watching the sunset. Orange, red, and pink splashed across the sky. It felt good to see something random and messy, something that reflected, in some small way, how I felt inside. Though perhaps a train wreck would suit me better.

Faintly, somewhere downstairs, I heard a door close. Remus was gone.

I was crying again.

_I should stop him. He'll get himself killed. I should go after him._

But I was afraid. I, Tonks, the Auror, was stopped by fear.

_If I did succeed, he would never forgive me for his chance at being useful for the Order. He'd have let Dumbledore down. The one thing he could do… he would never forgive me if I robbed him of it. He'd rather die helping the Order than live with never aiding it._

I was afraid he would hate me. I couldn't do it. I couldn't take away his pride.

_What can I do, then? Nothing? I can't just laze around at Hogsmeade while Remus's life is on the line!_

Yet it seemed I would be forced to.

I cried into the pillow like a child, relishing the escape the tears brought from my tumult of emotions.

_Leave, Remus. And take your reasons with you._

Later, I Apparated to my flat and tossed things into my suitcase with spells. They all flew in rather haphazardly. I frowned and squished down sweaters with my foot so there would be room for Kingsley's invisibility cloak.

_Off to Hogsmeade, now,_ I thought, and sighed. Now that it was time, I really wished I hadn't volunteered for the job. At least in London I could see more people from the Order. And at headquarters I could hear news. I'd know if Remus was alive or – I couldn't bring myself to think it.

Too late now. I was stuck.

I reappeared in Hogsmeade in front of the Three Broomsticks and looked around at the empty streets. Another reminder that we were at war. It was only eight and usually the shops would still be crammed, especially the pub.

I sighed and headed down the street to where I and my fellow Aurors would stay.

I collapsed on my bed, knowing that somewhere in London Remus was joining the werewolves. My window faced west, with the rising moon framed by its sheer drapes.

Suddenly I wished my window faced east. Waking up early was far better than staying up late plagued by worries.

_He could die tonight…_

I shuddered and turned over on my side to avoid the pale, haunting moon. Slowly my eyes slipped closed.

They shot open again.

I had never said goodbye. He had left for the werewolves and I hadn't even bid him farewell.


End file.
